So, these last three months of pregnancy have been a nightmare for me. Truly. Brian and I have agreed that we have found it difficult to get family to understand how sick I really have been. All day and all night for the last three months, I've been throwing up--every hour on the dot. It reached a high around my birthday, when my body was so dehydrated, that it wouldn't stop getting sick. It caused severe cramping and bleeding. The doctor/midwife put me on medication and diagnosed me with something called "hyperemesis gravidarum." (I think the spelling is correct) Basically, only about 1% of pregnant women get it, and it's just where you are sort of "allergic to pregnancy." The stats are not encouraging--everyone who has it, aborts their child because they can't take it. My midwife, who is old enough to be my grandma, says she's rarely seen this sickness in anyone, and not one person has ever continued the pregnancy. She also informed me it's likely to get worse..with each subsequent pregnancy. I'm choosing to NOT think or worry about that. I know that 12 weeks isn't a magic number, but I keep hoping that things will improve.
So far, they have gotten much worse. Most of the time, all I can do is lay down, while the shaking and shuddering and nausea runs through my body and just pray desperately that God will get me through the next moment. This week has been so bad that the mere thought, look, or taste of food makes me shudder in literal horror. The medication helps a little. Then, yesterday, I broke out in this red, itchy rash all over my body. My skin feels like it's on fire. When Brian came home last night, all I could do was cry. I felt like not a person cared--everyone is too busy to talk. I felt so alone. In between the pain and severe sickness, I just couldn't do it. I can't sleep because of being sick, so I think I was just overly tired. Anyway, I won't continue with the details of all the symptoms of the last months. But you know what?
I spent time praying this morning. I don't have to think or worry about getting through the next 6 months. I just have to live one moment at a time. That's all that's required of me. I have to be tough and stick this out, but it's ok to be honest about how things are. In all of this, I am amazed that there is a life inside of me. God has granted me this huge privilege--a life in my care, to raise for His glory. I am THRILLED to be a Mom!
When I saw the ultrasound for the first time, I couldn't believe it! There's a BABY inside! It's alive and growing! The goodness of God just overwhelmed me. Sometimes, parenthood seems a bit scary--everyone has their own opinion of how you should raise your child. But each person is different, and I think that matters. I can't wait to hold this new child in my arms. To cuddle away tears. To smile and laugh and giggle and play. To invent fun things to do. To watch a young person develop--from finding eyes, ears, and hands to teething. This is a job that I was born to do! And I am grateful. Grateful for air conditioning, indoor plumbing, looking outside at all the green through my window (even if I'm too sick to make it out there), my incredible husband (who accepts me the way I am), my amazing God, and yes, even the sickness. Because it makes me truly dependent on Him. And it gives me a glimpse into people who are very ill all of their lives. I am grateful to be a Mom, to have a life growing inside of me, to laugh and learn.
I won't write all that is in my heart. This has become long enough. I don't want this post to merely be about suffering, but to reflect the glory of God. Now for some pictures:
Isn't it amazing?!!?? I've been listening to this song, over and over again recently. I'm posting the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ. This lady's story is incredible--behind the song. But it means much to me right now. God is SO good to me. I really have it good, especially when I consider what other people around the world are going through right now. And yet, I am SO ready to have this baby in my arms rather than inside. I'm too excited. I never did like waiting. Don't bother telling me it isn't that bad, I just need to wait, to be tough, or that it will get worse at the end. I'm just taking it moment by moment and clinging to a God who understands and can help. Because, truly, truly,
I. am. Blessed.
