The above title
doesn't make much sense, does it? Just
wait, it will by the end of this post (I hope!). This entry has been a long time in the
making, but I needed time to process thoughts and feelings. Before I get to the explanation behind the
title, let me first back up and review the last few months of our lives.
In July, Brian and I
received an answer to our prayers and I became pregnant. We were ecstatic, to say the least. We were going to be parents again and Greg
was going to have a brother or sister!
We announced it to family with this picture:
At about 6 weeks, we
had our first appointment with the midwife where we would hopefully get to see
the baby and hear the heartbeat. It was
early, so we were expecting that it might not work. But when we went in, there was nothing. Oh, my uterus showed pregnancy, but there was
nothing to see or hear. It appeared that
I was still only about 2-3 weeks pregnant.
We knew that meant things either took off slowly….or the pregnancy
didn't take and I was awaiting a miscarriage.
We went home sad and a bit anxious to wait the two weeks until we could
check again.
Two weeks later came
and went. And oh joy! There was growth! We did see something and the sac had
grown! But no heartbeat. How odd.
My uterus was now showing about 8-9 weeks growth but what looked like a
baby was still showing about 5 weeks.
Because there was growth, we had hope again. But things were still not right with the
pregnancy and we were uncertain. Sent
home to wait another two weeks.
In the meantime, I'm
dealing with all the typical early pregnancy symptoms: fatigue, sickness, food
aversions, nausea, etc. Not as bad as
with Greg, but still bad enough to make me feel like doing nothing all the time
except for taking up status as a couch potato.
Two weeks later, showed that my uterus had indeed grown - was in fact
large enough to be consistent with my dates.
However, it appeared that my uterus contained multiple
"bubbles" or sacs. My midwife
decided to run some testing on my HCG levels to see what we were dealing
with. Possibilities for what we were
seeing included a molar pregnancy, twin pregnancy that was developing
strangely, first pregnancy didn't take and I was pregnant again but very early,
etc. We left the appointment with our
heads and emotions spinning. All the
weeks of waiting and never able to get out of the first trimester! Always wondering if the baby would make it or
if we were still waiting on a miscarriage.
Hope and disappointment again and again.
The physical difficulties and trusting God. Amazingly, we had so much peace and even joy
- we knew God would take care of us no matter what complications I faced. We knew it would be okay, though
heartbreaking, if we lost yet another baby.
My tests came back
normal - my levels were great! There was
no explanation for what was happening and all we could do was wait for
something to happen. Wait for a
heartbeat, or a miscarriage, or….something.
I made it a few more
weeks and things were looking up, or at least we hoped they were. We knew something was still not quite
right. There are not words to adequately
describe the emotion and the waiting.
Finally, Friday evening, September 27, we were at a park having a picnic dinner, and it
started. It hit suddenly with almost no
warning. I spent about 11 hours in labor
and intense pain, constantly checking my blood pressure, etc, to see if I would
need to go to the hospital. And then, it
was all over. All over except for the
memories. We had lost the baby at 14 weeks. Another baby.
We prayed for God to bless us with children and He has - they just
aren't all here with us.
I spent a few weeks
recovering from the physical aspects of the miscarriage. But the emotion of it all - the utter sense
of loss, emptiness. Feeling broken and
vulnerable. Wondering if we would ever
be able to have another child. Fearing
the loss of husband and child now. Anger
at people who abort their child. Jealous
of other's pregnancies. Guilt. Fearing becoming pregnant and losing yet
another child. I couldn't take it. Not for a third time. All the emotions of grief. Nights when the whole world seemed black and
dark and all I wanted was my baby back.
I wanted it to just stop hurting, and yet, if it did, I didn't want to
forget. The days when I wondered
why. Why did I have to go through
pregnancy sickness and labor…for nothing?
Moments when I just didn't want to hear that another friend was pregnant
and not feeling well. I know we all have
our crosses to bear, but I just didn't want to hear that they were sick and
tired because of a pregnancy, when I would give my right arm to have my child
back and be the same way again.
Something about this miscarriage reached deep inside and ripped my heart
to shreds. I walked around trying to
continue on with life and plaster a smile on my face that reached only surface
level. Because life goes on. Meals still have to be made. Family has to be taken care of. Friends and family still become pregnant. The last month or two have been full of
healing and struggles to find my way up.
To surface and breathe again.
It's been a hard, growing year.
And I can do is turn with thankfulness to my Savior - the One who stores
every tear in a bottle.
It's almost
Thanksgiving now. And I have finally
found my way again. We have undergone
tests and are now taking supplements to heal my pre-menopausal body. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have
children again. I think I will; I hope
so, but not right now. The loss still
hurts. Deeply. But I'm okay.
I'm content with where we are in life.
If I never have another child, I'll pour everything I have into loving
and raising the sweet son God has blessed me with. I can be content with only one child. I have joy in blooming where God has planted
me now. It's still hard. But God has provided a Haven of rest, joy,
contentment, and peace through this recent child. Baby Haven.
I know that God cares more about my heart condition and my relationship
with Him than how many children I have or what I accomplish in life. I know that His direction for my life is
totally different than I ever thought it would be like. But it is way better.
And that's where
smelling the roses comes in. The
fragility of life and the short time we have on earth is incredibly real right
now. Life can be so busy and sometimes
feel so connected, what with technology at our fingertips. But I'm choosing to spend my time investing
in people - in my child and husband, instead of focusing on housework or making
bread or finding a great deal. Instead
of running around places, I am taking the time to play in my child's
world. Since he loves airplanes right
now - we are hunting them right and left.
Searching the sky, pretending to be fighter planes that crash into each
other (and maybe tickle!), flying pretend airplanes. Taking time to just sip a cup of tea and cuddle with Greg and his favorite book. Keeping my day flexible. Allowing Greg to help wash dishes - even if it takes three times as long with twice as much mess. Being rewarded with a smile. Husband and wife paying more attention to each other.
Time is too short
and precious to be wasted. I like this
little poem by Irene Foster:
Now is the time to
get things done…
wade in the water, sit in the sun, squish my
toes in the mud by the door,
explore the world in a boy just four.
Now is the time to
study books…
flowers, snails, how a cloud looks; to ponder
"up," where God sleeps nights,
why mosquitoes take such big bites.
Later there'll be
time…
to sew and clean, paint the hall that soft
new green, to make new drapes, refinish the floor -
Later on…when he's not just four.
And this one by
Wilfred Peterson:
We give of ourselves
when we give gifts of the heart - love, kindness, joy, understanding, sympathy,
tolerance, forgiveness.
We give of ourselves
when we give gifts of the mind - ideas, dreams, purposes, ideals, principles,
plans, inventions, projects, poetry.
We give of ourselves
when we give gifts of words - encouragement, inspiration, guidance.
The only true gift
is a portion of thyself.
I only have one
chance to raise this child. He will be
two only once. And I can choose to long
for what I don't have, or I can choose to enjoy the moment and what I do have. I know this post is long, but I have wanted
to write all this down for a while. To
remember. It contains only pieces of
what I really wanted it to say, but some things are just better left
unsaid. Like Mary, I ponder them in my
heart. These last few months have grown
and stretched me in ways I didn't believe possible, but my relationship with
Christ, my husband, and my son have grown into blessing I couldn't have even
imagined. God has renewed life within
all of us and restored a passion for abundant life again.
As the sun shines
through my window, filling the room with warmth and light, I feel that I am
blessed. That God is smiling and
everything will be okay. I don't know
what is to come, but somehow, that doesn’t even matter.
My cup overflows.
